Get Naked

I don't know about you guys, but I miss being vulnerable to someone who I trust completely. MAN do I miss it. How better to be cared for? Showing what you're working with, and being honest about it. Now I must admit to not truly being comfortable with putting my feelings in someone else's hands, but boy would I like to be free to. Sheesh. So scary. So freeing. Like jumping off a cliff. I hate heights though...dang.


Shed all that tough skin
and let me see you
in....side out
how bout
we chop away at our old
ways and means
let's leave the scene
behind and do our
duty to build
a new community.
start over
Where you can love me
like you did
when I was young
and creating heaven
as you leveled hell

let the past stay there
right where
we can see it
try hard not to be it
again
Bucks and Mammies, hoes and tricks, bitches and niggaz, baby mama and baby daddy.
Not rely on it
or sit idly by for it
and not let it go
should it dictate what and
who we want to be
to each other?

can we undo
all the madness of
our former selves
and restock our shelves
with canned goodness
disciplined, heat seeking
cradling, deep thinking,
honest, swallowing, soaking
deep drinking in, kinda love
storing it high for hard times

I'll shed all my tough skin
put my fist down and let you see me
in....side out
how bout
we lay the way we used to
ear to chest and just rest
I feed you you feed me
basking and and recharging
in energy we create cell
to cell and soul to soul
we already know

know all the ugly parts
and jagged edges
all the fear and defenses
we met them long time ago
let me touch your feet
as i sit at them
hug my waist tight
with both arms
as you hunker down
for a deep rest,,,,,,

Where you can love me
like you did
when I was young
and creating heaven
as you leveled hell

Sorry

Sometimes we make....the hugest mistakes. But the fact that we didn't write the plan just let's us know everything happens for a reason. I loved him like cooked food, man. So I'm giving this public apology cuz I loved him. Never realized how long someone could hold a hurt over your head. One and done.


i wish i could take back everything you believe I did wrong.
The mismangement of your feelings and pain reeling
around in this circle.
being hurtful was not my goal.
There were never petty arguments or
time spent being mad....just time spent being
loving and laughing.
And then it happened. Uncertainty, broke in
and I thought you didn't want what I did
I was still thinking like a kid.
I didn't think I deserved what you had to give.
I understand how you see what you think you saw.

How do I tell you I loved you like women love
their babies....the smell, the warmth, the
ability to be overprotective.....
the extreme certainty that I wanted to be connected
to only you
I'd take back the lunch bag of lies I told
to keep your feelings safe. Didn't know it would
backfire. I'm not a liar, but scared makes you
seven-faced, and fork tongued
to keep peoples feeling from being hurt.

I'd take back the garbage bag of lies i told myself
to keep me from being mad at my choices
trash stinks no matter who or what though
i've grown and now I know
better
holding on to the hurt I caused
created a pause longer than any silence
I could bear from you. smilin at me the way you do
i want to assume that you are healed up and
ready to steel up something right here where I am.
I've seen you when you didnt' see me
and I waited patiently for you to cross my path
i loved you like cooked food
and you were right about the "default" dude

but i can't change it or take it back
everytime you come cross me
you toss me that
in the end
i want to be you lover, but i'll stand down
to remain you friend.
I may not matter to you
but it matters to me
I hope "this" point is taken
Please accept my apology.

Anxiety

For the most part, Anxiety sucks. Seizes your head and makes your hands all dumb and shaky. I am a stomach trouble chic. Can't deal with stuff goes straight to the gut, my common sense. Money, kids, work, love (ill), family....

Knowing that putting off what I need to do next does NOT help, I am stuck. I can write. I speak well. I love to learn. I am a procrastinator. I hate pressure, though I work extremely well under it. I am also an escape artist....sheesh. I can run faster than a speeding bullet to dodge an ass kickin' knowing full well that I'm just headed in it's direction no matter what. My personal BS trips me out, i work at shoveling it out of the way better, daily.

Turning any situation around requires you use your head most of the time. The heart being so selfish can't always be trusted. Like the congregation that's known you since you were born. They'll let you sing your heart out and praise you for it. Even though the stained glass in the building is about to shatter from your discord...the heart. Planning ahead is key, but being underemployed, and planning is a bit of fuckery. I'm not alone with it. Too many of us have the same issue. I'm sure if I dig deeper and hold myself hostage, I can get some much needed manueveuring done. Too much to think about, really...

Well that's pretty much all I have to say at this point. I will continue to tarry on at this thing called existence....so glad I believe in God.

Last Year's Hedo Poem

Okay y'all! I had to get this one out. Had a blast with you guys this year!
Just throwing out the general feel of the experience for people I talked to. Change the scenario to fit your jawn,!!!!! Give your two cents....see ya in 2012.

Fantasy ends when
doors close,
when kisses are committed
to memory
and flights leave;
When hedonistic tendencies
are packed away in bags
and checked for reality
in customs lines

My head said, "Please, just let him
Wrap his statements
In strawberry blunts
And blow them in
Whispers past your ears."
So I did,
His voice in my head
Will hold me here
For just a while longer
listening to words like 'home'
'time' and 'tomorrow'. "

Needing to be laid out flat
to receive his brand of healing
from the 359 days of hard work, no play
giving pieces of myself away everyday…..

But that….was yesterday.

Today
Suffering heavily
from withdraw
wanting to recount it all
a good girl sitting still as a statue
but my poor sensiblities won't regulate
he spent time marking me
so I can't even concentrate
to many distractions to meditate
tomorrow we'll see If i can just ....
calm down

I was under his thumb willingly
pleased that he pushed me
to bend and hold, to wait,
to touch, to beg

Heart fluttering
Feeling like a baby girl
in love with her daddy
Jumping to do whatever he asked
As long as the time passed
slowly
Like storybook places
with no clocks
And waves that pound like heartbeats
quiet moments that seem to not stop

Fantasy ends when
doors close,
when kisses are committed
to memory
and flights leave
when we know
there will be no reprieve
longing of that man’s
energy.