Monday, November 11, 2013
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thank you Ms. Walker
Lately, I have been finding myself wondering what is really happening on this planet. Some of my sisters, the most dynamic, beautiful, and intelligent that I know are coming up against some of the most severe forms of foolishness I have ever seen. I love you guys sooo much. My baby girls are also included in this note because I want them to know better before they learn better. That way they have no excuse for poor decision. I hate to have to kick their ass because of it....got that Anette and Queeta!
The rest of the women I know seem to be stuck too. I found this a minute ago and shared it with Faye. I was jussst past this hurt when I read it. So it didn't sting toooo bad. So now I'm passing it on so you can feel the sting and learn. Share, share, share, share
I love you
Did This Happen To Your Mother?
Did Your Sister Throw Up Alot?
written by Alice Walker
I love a man who is not worth
my love
Did this happen to your mother?
Did your grandmother wake up
for no good reason
in the middle of the night?
I thought love could be controlled
It cannot.
Only behavior can be controlled.
By biting your tongue purple
rather than speak.
Mauling your lips.
Obliterating his number
too thoroughly
to be able to phone
Love has made me sick.
Did you sister throw up a alot?
Did your cousin complain
of a painful knot
in her back?
Did your aunt always
seem to have something else
troubling her mind?
I thought love would adapt itself
to my needs.
But needs grow too fast;
they come up like weeds.
Through cracks in the conversation.
Through silences in the dark.
Through everything you thought was concrete.
Such needful love has to be chopped out
or forced to wilt back,
poisoned by disapproval
from it's own soil.
This is bad news for the conservationist.
My hands shake before this killing.
My stomach sits jumpy in my chest.
My chest is the Grand Canyon
sprawled empty
over the world
Whoever he is, he is not worth all this
Don't you agree?
and will never
unclench my teeth long enough
to tell him so.
The rest of the women I know seem to be stuck too. I found this a minute ago and shared it with Faye. I was jussst past this hurt when I read it. So it didn't sting toooo bad. So now I'm passing it on so you can feel the sting and learn. Share, share, share, share
I love you
Did This Happen To Your Mother?
Did Your Sister Throw Up Alot?
written by Alice Walker
I love a man who is not worth
my love
Did this happen to your mother?
Did your grandmother wake up
for no good reason
in the middle of the night?
I thought love could be controlled
It cannot.
Only behavior can be controlled.
By biting your tongue purple
rather than speak.
Mauling your lips.
Obliterating his number
too thoroughly
to be able to phone
Love has made me sick.
Did you sister throw up a alot?
Did your cousin complain
of a painful knot
in her back?
Did your aunt always
seem to have something else
troubling her mind?
I thought love would adapt itself
to my needs.
But needs grow too fast;
they come up like weeds.
Through cracks in the conversation.
Through silences in the dark.
Through everything you thought was concrete.
Such needful love has to be chopped out
or forced to wilt back,
poisoned by disapproval
from it's own soil.
This is bad news for the conservationist.
My hands shake before this killing.
My stomach sits jumpy in my chest.
My chest is the Grand Canyon
sprawled empty
over the world
Whoever he is, he is not worth all this
Don't you agree?
and will never
unclench my teeth long enough
to tell him so.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Get Naked
I don't know about you guys, but I miss being vulnerable to someone who I trust completely. MAN do I miss it. How better to be cared for? Showing what you're working with, and being honest about it. Now I must admit to not truly being comfortable with putting my feelings in someone else's hands, but boy would I like to be free to. Sheesh. So scary. So freeing. Like jumping off a cliff. I hate heights though...dang.
Shed all that tough skin
and let me see you
in....side out
how bout
we chop away at our old
ways and means
let's leave the scene
behind and do our
duty to build
a new community.
start over
Where you can love me
like you did
when I was young
and creating heaven
as you leveled hell
let the past stay there
right where
we can see it
try hard not to be it
again
Bucks and Mammies, hoes and tricks, bitches and niggaz, baby mama and baby daddy.
Not rely on it
or sit idly by for it
and not let it go
should it dictate what and
who we want to be
to each other?
can we undo
all the madness of
our former selves
and restock our shelves
with canned goodness
disciplined, heat seeking
cradling, deep thinking,
honest, swallowing, soaking
deep drinking in, kinda love
storing it high for hard times
I'll shed all my tough skin
put my fist down and let you see me
in....side out
how bout
we lay the way we used to
ear to chest and just rest
I feed you you feed me
basking and and recharging
in energy we create cell
to cell and soul to soul
we already know
know all the ugly parts
and jagged edges
all the fear and defenses
we met them long time ago
let me touch your feet
as i sit at them
hug my waist tight
with both arms
as you hunker down
for a deep rest,,,,,,
Where you can love me
like you did
when I was young
and creating heaven
as you leveled hell
Shed all that tough skin
and let me see you
in....side out
how bout
we chop away at our old
ways and means
let's leave the scene
behind and do our
duty to build
a new community.
start over
Where you can love me
like you did
when I was young
and creating heaven
as you leveled hell
let the past stay there
right where
we can see it
try hard not to be it
again
Bucks and Mammies, hoes and tricks, bitches and niggaz, baby mama and baby daddy.
Not rely on it
or sit idly by for it
and not let it go
should it dictate what and
who we want to be
to each other?
can we undo
all the madness of
our former selves
and restock our shelves
with canned goodness
disciplined, heat seeking
cradling, deep thinking,
honest, swallowing, soaking
deep drinking in, kinda love
storing it high for hard times
I'll shed all my tough skin
put my fist down and let you see me
in....side out
how bout
we lay the way we used to
ear to chest and just rest
I feed you you feed me
basking and and recharging
in energy we create cell
to cell and soul to soul
we already know
know all the ugly parts
and jagged edges
all the fear and defenses
we met them long time ago
let me touch your feet
as i sit at them
hug my waist tight
with both arms
as you hunker down
for a deep rest,,,,,,
Where you can love me
like you did
when I was young
and creating heaven
as you leveled hell
Friday, August 19, 2011
Sorry
Sometimes we make....the hugest mistakes. But the fact that we didn't write the plan just let's us know everything happens for a reason. I loved him like cooked food, man. So I'm giving this public apology cuz I loved him. Never realized how long someone could hold a hurt over your head. One and done.
i wish i could take back everything you believe I did wrong.
The mismangement of your feelings and pain reeling
around in this circle.
being hurtful was not my goal.
There were never petty arguments or
time spent being mad....just time spent being
loving and laughing.
And then it happened. Uncertainty, broke in
and I thought you didn't want what I did
I was still thinking like a kid.
I didn't think I deserved what you had to give.
I understand how you see what you think you saw.
How do I tell you I loved you like women love
their babies....the smell, the warmth, the
ability to be overprotective.....
the extreme certainty that I wanted to be connected
to only you
I'd take back the lunch bag of lies I told
to keep your feelings safe. Didn't know it would
backfire. I'm not a liar, but scared makes you
seven-faced, and fork tongued
to keep peoples feeling from being hurt.
I'd take back the garbage bag of lies i told myself
to keep me from being mad at my choices
trash stinks no matter who or what though
i've grown and now I know
better
holding on to the hurt I caused
created a pause longer than any silence
I could bear from you. smilin at me the way you do
i want to assume that you are healed up and
ready to steel up something right here where I am.
I've seen you when you didnt' see me
and I waited patiently for you to cross my path
i loved you like cooked food
and you were right about the "default" dude
but i can't change it or take it back
everytime you come cross me
you toss me that
in the end
i want to be you lover, but i'll stand down
to remain you friend.
I may not matter to you
but it matters to me
I hope "this" point is taken
Please accept my apology.
i wish i could take back everything you believe I did wrong.
The mismangement of your feelings and pain reeling
around in this circle.
being hurtful was not my goal.
There were never petty arguments or
time spent being mad....just time spent being
loving and laughing.
And then it happened. Uncertainty, broke in
and I thought you didn't want what I did
I was still thinking like a kid.
I didn't think I deserved what you had to give.
I understand how you see what you think you saw.
How do I tell you I loved you like women love
their babies....the smell, the warmth, the
ability to be overprotective.....
the extreme certainty that I wanted to be connected
to only you
I'd take back the lunch bag of lies I told
to keep your feelings safe. Didn't know it would
backfire. I'm not a liar, but scared makes you
seven-faced, and fork tongued
to keep peoples feeling from being hurt.
I'd take back the garbage bag of lies i told myself
to keep me from being mad at my choices
trash stinks no matter who or what though
i've grown and now I know
better
holding on to the hurt I caused
created a pause longer than any silence
I could bear from you. smilin at me the way you do
i want to assume that you are healed up and
ready to steel up something right here where I am.
I've seen you when you didnt' see me
and I waited patiently for you to cross my path
i loved you like cooked food
and you were right about the "default" dude
but i can't change it or take it back
everytime you come cross me
you toss me that
in the end
i want to be you lover, but i'll stand down
to remain you friend.
I may not matter to you
but it matters to me
I hope "this" point is taken
Please accept my apology.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Anxiety
For the most part, Anxiety sucks. Seizes your head and makes your hands all dumb and shaky. I am a stomach trouble chic. Can't deal with stuff goes straight to the gut, my common sense. Money, kids, work, love (ill), family....
Knowing that putting off what I need to do next does NOT help, I am stuck. I can write. I speak well. I love to learn. I am a procrastinator. I hate pressure, though I work extremely well under it. I am also an escape artist....sheesh. I can run faster than a speeding bullet to dodge an ass kickin' knowing full well that I'm just headed in it's direction no matter what. My personal BS trips me out, i work at shoveling it out of the way better, daily.
Turning any situation around requires you use your head most of the time. The heart being so selfish can't always be trusted. Like the congregation that's known you since you were born. They'll let you sing your heart out and praise you for it. Even though the stained glass in the building is about to shatter from your discord...the heart. Planning ahead is key, but being underemployed, and planning is a bit of fuckery. I'm not alone with it. Too many of us have the same issue. I'm sure if I dig deeper and hold myself hostage, I can get some much needed manueveuring done. Too much to think about, really...
Well that's pretty much all I have to say at this point. I will continue to tarry on at this thing called existence....so glad I believe in God.
Knowing that putting off what I need to do next does NOT help, I am stuck. I can write. I speak well. I love to learn. I am a procrastinator. I hate pressure, though I work extremely well under it. I am also an escape artist....sheesh. I can run faster than a speeding bullet to dodge an ass kickin' knowing full well that I'm just headed in it's direction no matter what. My personal BS trips me out, i work at shoveling it out of the way better, daily.
Turning any situation around requires you use your head most of the time. The heart being so selfish can't always be trusted. Like the congregation that's known you since you were born. They'll let you sing your heart out and praise you for it. Even though the stained glass in the building is about to shatter from your discord...the heart. Planning ahead is key, but being underemployed, and planning is a bit of fuckery. I'm not alone with it. Too many of us have the same issue. I'm sure if I dig deeper and hold myself hostage, I can get some much needed manueveuring done. Too much to think about, really...
Well that's pretty much all I have to say at this point. I will continue to tarry on at this thing called existence....so glad I believe in God.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Last Year's Hedo Poem
Okay y'all! I had to get this one out. Had a blast with you guys this year!
Just throwing out the general feel of the experience for people I talked to. Change the scenario to fit your jawn,!!!!! Give your two cents....see ya in 2012.
Fantasy ends when
doors close,
when kisses are committed
to memory
and flights leave;
When hedonistic tendencies
are packed away in bags
and checked for reality
in customs lines
My head said, "Please, just let him
Wrap his statements
In strawberry blunts
And blow them in
Whispers past your ears."
So I did,
His voice in my head
Will hold me here
For just a while longer
listening to words like 'home'
'time' and 'tomorrow'. "
Needing to be laid out flat
to receive his brand of healing
from the 359 days of hard work, no play
giving pieces of myself away everyday…..
But that….was yesterday.
Today
Suffering heavily
from withdraw
wanting to recount it all
a good girl sitting still as a statue
but my poor sensiblities won't regulate
he spent time marking me
so I can't even concentrate
to many distractions to meditate
tomorrow we'll see If i can just ....
calm down
I was under his thumb willingly
pleased that he pushed me
to bend and hold, to wait,
to touch, to beg
Heart fluttering
Feeling like a baby girl
in love with her daddy
Jumping to do whatever he asked
As long as the time passed
slowly
Like storybook places
with no clocks
And waves that pound like heartbeats
quiet moments that seem to not stop
Fantasy ends when
doors close,
when kisses are committed
to memory
and flights leave
when we know
there will be no reprieve
longing of that man’s
energy.
Just throwing out the general feel of the experience for people I talked to. Change the scenario to fit your jawn,!!!!! Give your two cents....see ya in 2012.
Fantasy ends when
doors close,
when kisses are committed
to memory
and flights leave;
When hedonistic tendencies
are packed away in bags
and checked for reality
in customs lines
My head said, "Please, just let him
Wrap his statements
In strawberry blunts
And blow them in
Whispers past your ears."
So I did,
His voice in my head
Will hold me here
For just a while longer
listening to words like 'home'
'time' and 'tomorrow'. "
Needing to be laid out flat
to receive his brand of healing
from the 359 days of hard work, no play
giving pieces of myself away everyday…..
But that….was yesterday.
Today
Suffering heavily
from withdraw
wanting to recount it all
a good girl sitting still as a statue
but my poor sensiblities won't regulate
he spent time marking me
so I can't even concentrate
to many distractions to meditate
tomorrow we'll see If i can just ....
calm down
I was under his thumb willingly
pleased that he pushed me
to bend and hold, to wait,
to touch, to beg
Heart fluttering
Feeling like a baby girl
in love with her daddy
Jumping to do whatever he asked
As long as the time passed
slowly
Like storybook places
with no clocks
And waves that pound like heartbeats
quiet moments that seem to not stop
Fantasy ends when
doors close,
when kisses are committed
to memory
and flights leave
when we know
there will be no reprieve
longing of that man’s
energy.
Monday, June 9, 2008
All Over The World
My students can be real pains in the ass on most days that I work with them. They are refugee, asylee and immigrant from Liberia. They were tripping to day because they found out my not so distant relative was the fifth president of their country. They think it's funny that i'm so yellow and he was so black....ugh! I took them to the meez.com site so they could create a avatar of themselves. I won't even begin to tell you about the color of skin and body types the girls picked for themselves. It was a real hurt-piece.
Don’t know your self worth
and from the way you act
It must hurt
Pressure to be less of a success
And It gets worse
Reason is tryna give birth
To common sense
Being uneducated
Is no defense
For what’s coming.
Your not old enough to
Be discussing mating
Or creating someone who will
Depend on you.
You can barely read or write
What type a bed time story
You plan on reading at night
Tales of a hard headed huss
Or “Girl, I love you, trust me”
Decide now, cause you do not
Have the rest of your life
Are you tryna be a hooker
or a tryna be a housewife
They think that "man business", boyfriend-girlfriend foolishness is really all that matters. Deddeh said, "Ms. T tomorrow may not come so you have to live your life today, O." She was serious too. Growing up in a civil war can't be something that builds hope for tomorrow. So I understand, but I don't agree. And the fact is I don't know. I do now them huzzies can't read. I do know my the boys don't take their education seriously. They respect my digging into their business.....they hate my digging into their business. But there is so much more.
Who are you anyway?
You can’t see
The reality of this situation
You left one country and landed
In the face of a much more covert,
Hostile nation.
They don’t like US
And YOU an original
Indigenous spreading like
Wildfire your destruction
Is imminent, but you can change it.
The black kids born and raised here are the devil when it comes to my students. The comments, the "African Booty Scratcher" bullshit. A month ago, an african american boy touched the butt of a west african muslim girl at an area high school.....needless to say all hell broke loose. You ain't never see black on black until you come to philly and check out our high schools......for real. the building was on lock down all day....no classess...the african kids confined to one area in the building for fear someone would hurt them. It's crazy and it's bullshit. My students have more to fear from us than white folks.
And you
Wanna be a baller
looking like
A smaller version
Of the punks we already encountering
Let me counter by saying
Some of you still count on your fingers.
And mounting to nothing more
Than street trash
Jeans hanging off your sweet ass
Not knowing your advertising for
A different kind of up rising.
Irritated by your imitating
Fallin deeper into self hatred
Walking round, ego inflated
The real deals know you
fakin it
For the junior behind prison wallers
You will be reduced to
“I want my mama” callers
in small boxes where your manhood
will be stolen in the most violent
of sexual moments. Why you playin?
My boys want to be gangstas. Not doubt about it. Even my most intelligent, college bound knuckleheads believe fighting each other is the only way to prove their manhood. Came to this country without their pops and most without their mom. Some are not sure where their families are. The fact that I have some small solidiers...who remain unidentified by their caregivers....leads me to believe that the american kids really don't know who they are messing with. Knowing that, they still don't fit. Home they are respectful and mannered. In the street, unless they open their mouths, they are our children circa 2008.
Will you be reduced to fodder
for the system
or loving husband and father
giving wisdom
to your children
a man who makes the world
safer for his family
an example for every man to see
how it’s supposed to be done.
Three of the girls have or are having babies. One by a boy born here in the US. Now, i'm not trying to be funny, but that's going to be a mess. One by a man who is 35 years old. Now, i'm not being funny at all...that is definitely a hot mess. My boys don't have any babies though. That's good, but i'm holding my breath.
Set your self up to win
Dig down in your self worth
Let it spill let it burst
from the pressure on your brain
Reason is tryna give birth
Let failure be your past tense
Walk forward and collect your
common sense
Be strength
And get ready for what’s coming.
Queeta got into Penn State, with a full ride for nursing. Sowa is attending community college. he wants to be a teacher...go figure. Annette is still farting around, but she'll be somewhere in the fall. I'll keep my foot on their backs...i promised them that if nothing else. All this is volunteer work. I must be crazy!
Don’t know your self worth
and from the way you act
It must hurt
Pressure to be less of a success
And It gets worse
Reason is tryna give birth
To common sense
Being uneducated
Is no defense
For what’s coming.
Your not old enough to
Be discussing mating
Or creating someone who will
Depend on you.
You can barely read or write
What type a bed time story
You plan on reading at night
Tales of a hard headed huss
Or “Girl, I love you, trust me”
Decide now, cause you do not
Have the rest of your life
Are you tryna be a hooker
or a tryna be a housewife
They think that "man business", boyfriend-girlfriend foolishness is really all that matters. Deddeh said, "Ms. T tomorrow may not come so you have to live your life today, O." She was serious too. Growing up in a civil war can't be something that builds hope for tomorrow. So I understand, but I don't agree. And the fact is I don't know. I do now them huzzies can't read. I do know my the boys don't take their education seriously. They respect my digging into their business.....they hate my digging into their business. But there is so much more.
Who are you anyway?
You can’t see
The reality of this situation
You left one country and landed
In the face of a much more covert,
Hostile nation.
They don’t like US
And YOU an original
Indigenous spreading like
Wildfire your destruction
Is imminent, but you can change it.
The black kids born and raised here are the devil when it comes to my students. The comments, the "African Booty Scratcher" bullshit. A month ago, an african american boy touched the butt of a west african muslim girl at an area high school.....needless to say all hell broke loose. You ain't never see black on black until you come to philly and check out our high schools......for real. the building was on lock down all day....no classess...the african kids confined to one area in the building for fear someone would hurt them. It's crazy and it's bullshit. My students have more to fear from us than white folks.
And you
Wanna be a baller
looking like
A smaller version
Of the punks we already encountering
Let me counter by saying
Some of you still count on your fingers.
And mounting to nothing more
Than street trash
Jeans hanging off your sweet ass
Not knowing your advertising for
A different kind of up rising.
Irritated by your imitating
Fallin deeper into self hatred
Walking round, ego inflated
The real deals know you
fakin it
For the junior behind prison wallers
You will be reduced to
“I want my mama” callers
in small boxes where your manhood
will be stolen in the most violent
of sexual moments. Why you playin?
My boys want to be gangstas. Not doubt about it. Even my most intelligent, college bound knuckleheads believe fighting each other is the only way to prove their manhood. Came to this country without their pops and most without their mom. Some are not sure where their families are. The fact that I have some small solidiers...who remain unidentified by their caregivers....leads me to believe that the american kids really don't know who they are messing with. Knowing that, they still don't fit. Home they are respectful and mannered. In the street, unless they open their mouths, they are our children circa 2008.
Will you be reduced to fodder
for the system
or loving husband and father
giving wisdom
to your children
a man who makes the world
safer for his family
an example for every man to see
how it’s supposed to be done.
Three of the girls have or are having babies. One by a boy born here in the US. Now, i'm not trying to be funny, but that's going to be a mess. One by a man who is 35 years old. Now, i'm not being funny at all...that is definitely a hot mess. My boys don't have any babies though. That's good, but i'm holding my breath.
Set your self up to win
Dig down in your self worth
Let it spill let it burst
from the pressure on your brain
Reason is tryna give birth
Let failure be your past tense
Walk forward and collect your
common sense
Be strength
And get ready for what’s coming.
Queeta got into Penn State, with a full ride for nursing. Sowa is attending community college. he wants to be a teacher...go figure. Annette is still farting around, but she'll be somewhere in the fall. I'll keep my foot on their backs...i promised them that if nothing else. All this is volunteer work. I must be crazy!
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